Back At Work

Sorry I haven’t posted lately.  I’m behind on everything.  Well I am back at work and I am so happy!! Happy to see all the smiling faces I love so much and excited to start our framework to create and plan for next year.  I came back fast and furious! Anyone that knows me knows there is no other way. 

My first day I opened my email and there were 1200 plus emails. I read about 100. Then I thought I probably should let the other agencies, within our organization, and all staff know I returned to work. Bad idea that 1100 jumped back to 1200. In all the week was great. Toward the end it was getting harder only because of lack of sleep but I was trucking through each day with no complaints and a smile.  I thought I can sleep in on Saturday. NOPE!  I woke myself up at 6 am even after only sleeping 2 hours. Ugggg!! 

That 1st Saturday we went to movie and I was just not feeling good but I really thought it was exhaustion but had chills. I also had insane allergies and I knew I was getting a touch of impetigo in my nose but really thought that was seasonal.  My incision, which is mostly healed, had being itching more but the hair is growing like crazy.  I had my hubby look at my incision it was inflamed. Yuck!  So I clean it and doctor it until morning. I wake up with fever and urinating blood. Kidney infection too!!! I cant complain really because I haven’t had any set backs. The anti-seizure medicine I am on can cause them and although I have only gotten 2 in my life, my body doesn’t respond well to them. So off to urgent care I go. I get super doses of antibiotics and strict instructions if this is not clear by Wednesday then to the hospital for IV antibiotics. I was praying and biting my tongue that I kicked this. I just want to feel better, like I did last week. I am listening to my body though. 

I’m not missing work though. No way! Too much to do and I want to get into a routine again. The 2nd week back I looked like a Walking Dead cast member but I made it.  When I get in work mode, I don’t shut it off which is not good sometimes. I’m my own worst enemy at times. 

This weekend Laynie had cheer in New Orleans. It felt good to be out and about. I walked ALOT which felt great.  Ready to have all my energy back there is so much I want to do.  Although I love New Orleans, it seemed like this year was just a disaster for us personally. Literally one thing after another.  We are safe which is the main thing but it was mentally exhausting. 

The stress of everything is sometimes I think more overwhelming then the surgery itself.  It really is hard even though I know it’ll all fall into place.

Something super cool though….. I can feel the plate and 1 of the screws so far.  I found it yesterday. Guess the swelling and tissue has finally gone down enough. I made Mark feel it too.  Lol. I was excited.  Kinda cool.

Its all working out and it will continue. I am so appreciative of all the love and support I have received. Definitely an amazing feeling!! 

Happy Easter! 🐣🐇🌈

What a blessing today is. Easter always is for us as Christians. To hear the story of Jesus again and to know how much we are truly loved.  What a blessing!!!!

Easter sermon, was somewhat, about the darkness we all face at some point in our lives.  I think I am very fortunate.  I usually always feel blessed, even in turmoil.  I know regardless of how dark it might feel to me, someone- somewhere has it harder. I am not saying I do not feel despair because I do and sometimes frequently. I just have faith it will work out, trust it will, and pray.  Not only pray for myself but others too.   I think that is how I help myself in my darkness, to be grateful for the things that are going right.  These last months have been the darkest and the most eye-opening.  Even now it sometimes takes my breath away.  My blessing yesterday was different.  When they sang the song Hallelujah it coursed through my blood like the IV medicine in the hospital. I could feel it at every point, moving so quickly and effortlessly.  I am doing so great physically and for this I praise God.

My blessing yesterday was really thinking of how God took hold and his plan unfolded.  I felt blessed because if it was not for Facebook, Yes Facebook, I would have not been able to tell my story and ask for prayers. My story wouldn’t have reached a childhood friend, Whitney, who went the extra mile to reach out to a work colleague which got me into Dr Kim quicker.  Then to sweet Florencia, at Dr Kim office, who worked magic and was able to get my surgery bumped up months ahead of schedule.  I still would be in the pain, torture, and agony if she did not do all she did.  Then Dr Kim and his staff, words cannot describe how I feel about them. His ability to do these complicated surgeries. How his compassion, tenderness, and brilliance are literally gifts from God.  To all my friends, family, and people in the community who have helped in some way, who have prayed, and are helping with benefit. I am so blessed because this is genuine kindness and love.  It is so helpful, it has healed me, and I am eternally grateful.  These are just a few of the things I am thankful and blessed for this Easter. My biggest is I am healed. I was able to go to church, enjoy my family, and count my blessings because of these people.

Tomorrow I return to work which is nerve-wracking in a sense.  My internal time clock is a mess and my mental memory is not on point 100% but I know I need too.  I miss everyone so much.  I miss seeing the children and their hugs!  It will be good to get things back in order.  My husband has really had to put his work on hold too for this whole time too.  So this has been quite an adjustment for us all.  I think he was sort of like me too, skeptical that it was going to be this smooth, frantically anticipating the fall from the cliff.  I think he was fearful to leave me in the event something would happen like seizure. But nothing has…… It really has been that unbelievable.  We know everything else will work out and all the pieces will fall back into place with time, patience, and continued faith!  We could not have made it this far without the help of all our friends, family, and our amazing community!  It brings tears to my eyes when I think of the support. I will be forever grateful!

The other night at our local Pizza Hut we saw several friends, we had not seen in a few months, and it was so refreshing to see their amazement.  It is hard to explain and describe the astonishment. Just 2 months ago there were days I could barely walk, every day I cried, and all of it is gone! 

I think after things settle and we get on our feet again. I am going to try to find ways to help other patients who postpone this surgery or others because of cost or insurance.  I cannot imagine people having to live life a single extra day like that because of financial burden.  It is expensive and I haven’t even solved my own yet but I am blessed to have amazing friends doing benefits and things to assist in so many ways. Not everyone has these amazing support systems. But I do know that if a surgery can save a life or quality of life this quickly there is no reason a person should suffer.   It has really opened my eyes to so many things. The reality of the health care system, insurance, priorities, and my list goes on and on.  I know there is something amazing I am supposed to do from this experience.  I know it was show itself in time.

So on this Easter I hope each of you has had a blessed day with your loved ones. Also that you count your blessings even in hard times. We all have something to be grateful for. It is usually these things that we can focus on to get us through the trials. To everyone who prayed for me and my family thank you again!  I feel especially blessed this Easter!  Have a blessed Easter!  And a blessed week!! 

Holding My Breath

Sorry for such a long delay in my posts.  I  have been really trying to enjoy every moment I  can with my family right now and to be honest holding my breath some. 

I am doing so amazing.  I mean blowing my own mind amazing.  It is almost as if I  am holding my breath because this is too good to be true.  I am so scared that my bubble may burst.  Which is such an unusual stand point for me.  My symptoms are all completely gone! Not a single one is here! No pain, pressure, difficulty walking, passing out, nothing all gone! I am so grateful!  My energy is coming back slowly and I  physically look better. It is all so overwhelming.  My sleep rhythm is a disaster and my nights and days are flipped like a 4 month old infant but I know that will get better. I’m a mom of 3 anyway….this is a piece of cake for me right now- I haven’t had regular sleep in 18 years and 9 months :).   My scar looks fabulous and it’s insane how much my hair has grown in 4 weeks. I can where a high pony tail now which is wonderful!   With my hair up or down you can’t even tell I had brain surgery.  Not that I really even cared but it is funny that you would never have known if you didn’t know my story.

I  really used this week to enjoy my kids during their spring break and cherish what really matters.   I think I have also been holding my breath because of personal life too.  My oldest son, Chase, turned 18 this week.  I am a basket case.  I mean crying at pictures, movies, conversations,  thoughts, even a you tube video of a momma beaver making her son beaver move out to find his mate.  It is quite pathetic to be honest! I just am an emotional mess and I know when he’s in college that first month I am even going to be worse.  I KNOW….. Yes I will see him and yes he’s not going far. But it’s hard.  I still hug him every day, tuck him in like he was still little, and it’s those things that are going to be so hard. My kid’s grandma told me when I  was pregnant with Chase that you will never understand  a mom’s love until you are a mom.  Man was she right!!! It is a whole different kind of love.  When God created mothers in all creatures he made them strong, loving, nurturing, and fierce to protect their young.  This momma love is something that is so powerful and all consuming. 

So for now I hold my breath to cherish these amazing moments.  Not that I worry about anything because I know there will not be many more. But because I  am so thankful in this moment, thankful for this life.  And maybe, just maybe, if I  hold my breath a little longer, time will slow down enough so I  can make the most of every minute that I have of this time. 

Bump in the Roads

I knew this journey wouldn’t be easy. I am actually quite blown away with how well things are going, to be honest.  As I really am amazing myself, doctors, friends, and I even think our dog Reggie at times!  (Obviously not in this pic!)

My snuggle buddy Reggie!

But these last few days have been a little rough. I had only experienced a few hurdles from beginning until now.  I just feel like I rewound my life by 2 weeks or so.  I am insanely exhausted, had minor headaches each day, some return nausea, and completely unable to sleep at night.  They are not anything major but just gets discouraging at times. I wish there were warning signs like bump ahead!

That would be so helpful!  Wouldn’t it be with anything in life though!  Lol but then we wouldn’t grow from the trials or mistakes in our lives if we were always warned. 

I did a lot this weekend and I know as with anything. No it wasn’t anything crazy!  I wasn’t flipping on trampoline. Although I did ask my husband, jokingly, could I at cheer comp.  Which his reply was UMMMM NO WAY!  I told him I was just kidding. He replied, “No you really are thinking about it! I see it!”. Which I have to admit it was stupidly crossing my mind.  But I knew it was out of the question.

You push limits and you will feel it.  These hard times are only temporary I know.  I just have to continue push on and through to get back.  I am doing better than many at this point in time. It has only been 3 weeks.  I have a plate with screws holding my 2 inch skull hole in place  in to heal.  I continually have to remind myself of this.  I know it will be okay!  I know I will be stronger and better than ever! Just takes time!!

God is Good

God is Good. I have been really thinking about this a lot. I say it and it is replied often too.  On Tuesday I received amazing news that I am so grateful and blessed for.  Many replies were God is Good!  And I agree 1000% this is the case no doubt. But what if it wasn’t the news I received and the news we were praying for?  To this I still say God Is Good! 

I have many dear friends who are and have gone through situations and tragedies that I cannot fathom. They have lost their children, spouses, loved ones, or their own battles to illness or in an instant to just circumstance.  Or they are fighting this continual battle to heal through illness. These friends are people I have an admiration for that is indescribable.  How truly strong they are!  Even if on days when they are not, which is completely understandable, they pull themselves back up.  For this is when I know God is Good.  I do not think we, as humans, could rise from this despair without help.

I know we never understand God’s plan for us.  It is hard not to question it when it hurts so bad.  But there is a plan.  I have faith in that. I am not saying one day my life will not be forever rattled and I will question it.  I am human and this is what we do.  I just think if we trust in God’s plan we know something somewhere positive must come from our tragedy.

I am a huge believer in organ donation. I have seen the amazing stories and lives changed because of it.  I know it comes from an enormous tragedy from one family but it is a tragedy that those organs can not change for that particular tragedy but could save another family, child, mother, or father from experiencing the same loss.  I had several discussions with my husband about this. If my life is ever lost for some reason please be sure to save others! My children may lose their mom and you may lose your spouse but please save another from the heartache you are enduring and end someone’s suffering.

I know this is off the path of my blog. In no way do I want to offend anyone or upset anyone.  My 💗 heart is in the right place.  I think in my moment of good news I felt a sense of guilt. I honestly would have given my news to someone else struggling in a minute.  But I had to really think about why? But then I thought about God’s plan again and I know his reason to why is there!  It will show itself. 

Through this journey my faith has been lifted to even a higher level.  I honestly can say I could feel myself being lifted in prayer. I have never felt this before and it was an experience that I will forever cherish.  I had some serious moments of doubts, especially in myself. But I can say I never lost faith.

Too all those fighting battles I pray for your continued strength and comfort. I hope you have the prayer warriors behind you so you can fill lifted in your moments of weakness. God is good and with you every step of the way along with all the others who love and support you. 

Great News….It’s Benign

Well yesterday was just a blessing of a day. We went to see Dr Kim to have stitches removed and we got the biopsy results which were great. The mass was completely benign and there is no further treatment at this time. I have a few check points still to go through just because of having brain surgery, or surgery for that matter.  But I am flying through them like an Indy race car driver going for the checkered flag! 🏁

I love this pic above. It really represents so many things to me.  It reminds me of the numerous doctors who really dismissed my insane symptoms and said its most likely benign and let’s watch it.  I do understand where they are coming from but this is how I felt. I had this nasty, ugly chaotic mass in my head. He was poking his fingers in all my nerves, drooling & sliming everything healthy, and making me feel like I was an alien to my own body.   There were some days I couldn’t walk.  I looked at times, almost as I was suffering from severe muscular issues.  I couldn’t look up without crying because of the pain.  Bending over and doing anything causing me to pick something up would result in sickness or face plant! Along with the endless other symptoms that were so out of the norm and rapidly debilitating my otherwise healthy body.  

All this happened within 8 months. I cannot fathom living my life-like I did, for those last 4 months especially. I know I would have figured out how and done something great with it but it is hard to imagine how. It was heart breaking to see the decline in my ability. Then this amazing master mind of a doctor listens, knows, and perfected this surgery. He took out this large walnut size mass and within the instant of waking up my body could tell the difference. Yes, I was in crazy pain and vomiting for hours straight but I could feel the relief. I am blown away by it.

I also have a new-found respect and interest in helpings others with similar situations. I have always been soft-hearted and felt bad for people in tough medical situations or any situation.  I’ve helped in ways I knew how or could.  But from going from one extreme and knowing life one way to almost a polar opposite was indescribable. I am in no way saying different circumstances are not a gazillion times harder or this situation was the worst scenario. It wasn’t. I am very aware of that but I think once you experience something first hand you are able to see a different perspective obviously.  The physical torment was the easier part to me.  The emotional part was the most terrifying. I never would have imagined the emotions I felt would have been the case.

All I know this has forever changed me, in a positive way I can tell. It is my mission, after I heal, to find what I am to do with this and how can I help others. It may not be tomorrow or even next year but I have faith it’ll come!  I know in the deepest of heart that something great it going to come out of this.  I just need to listen!

With Each Day

As the days move along and I seem to be getting stronger.  I am still on some of the medicines but I have to remind myself it has only been 10 days.  With each day that passes it feels as if I am missing out on numerous things.  I am becoming a little frustrated with being cooped up inside.  Although it has been quite dreary outside.   I am not used to all this sitting still and resting.  I can tell my body needs it though because I never could nap before and now if I am still for several minutes, I find myself dozing off.

Friends have been so wonderful delivering food.  I think this has been the most helpful thing, hands down.  My family is so used to home cooked meals and this has definitely made it easier on all of us.  It has helped with my insane guilt I was feeling too.  I don’t have this to be guilty of because they are being well taken care of.  Often having desert each night also!  They better not get used to that 😜! I am so grateful for this type of help. 

This week we have follow-up with doctor, stitches removed, and hopefully the thumbs up result for biopsy.  I think I am going to try to venture out some because there are several meetings for the school and I need to see the sun!  I’m beginning to look and feel like I belong with vampires and my attitude some days is almost atrocious! Thank goodness my kids know when to back away. 😈 lol

Patience is what I need right now!  So I am going to scurry off to bed and try to sleep off the uggggggs!  Sweet dreams everyone! 

The Inevitable Regression

Well I knew it was inevitable! Things seemed to be rocking and rolling right along on my recovery road!  But yesterday morning….. The breaks were slammed on yesterday to a screeching stop!

I had tried to REALLY reduce medicine and moved about a lot Wednesday. I just went over board.  My body quickly put me back in check.  I started my medicine back up and have stayed still all day yesterday.   Wednesday I tried to wear my hair up in a lose single pony and I think this also added to the tenderness of my head!  Live & learn!  I received my great bows & ponies from a dear friend so I will definitely be rocking my piggy tails from now on. 

Yesterday I stayed in bed most of the day and started some of my pain meds back.  I couldn’t kick the throbbing sensation in my head.  Last night all the kids hopped in bed with Mark & I and we rented a movie.  It felt good to have kids close to us.  My pain wouldn’t budge.  I fell asleep during the movie, something about being packed like sardines in bed does that to me. 

This morning I slowly opened my eyes and immediately my stomach flipped.  The pain was back and worse.  Ugggggggg! So here we go again.  I’m soaking in my tub, candle lit, and took my medicine.  I’m going to start back on entire regimen again.  I think I misread my body signals and need to get back on course. 

I am disappointed but then again it is surgery, Brain surgery at that.  Everything needs time to heal. 

Remembering Back- Surgery Day

As I had said in the beginning of this blog I wanted to share my experience, honestly.  I haven’t told the story of the day of the surgery because I just wasn’t ready to but I am now.

Wednesday, Feb 18th, we decided to drive down to Houston the morning of the surgery since I didn’t have to be there too early.  My husband, my 3 kids, mom, and sister all went to be there for the day.  My two oldest wanted to be there and I understand completely. I was on the fence about the littlest one being there. Because of time, school, and him not understanding we decided to let him come too. Besides his smile and actions can lighten a mood. 

The drive there I was at peace.  I wrote letters to kids and hubby just telling them how much I love them.  We pull up and we hurriedly go into admissions.  Get upstairs and within minutes they are taking me back to prep room.  My kids and family stay in waiting room but are going to be able to see me before I go into operating room.   In there we have the kindest lady and young man for my nurse!  My hubby and my mom go in with me  to start.  I get my clothes on and then those horrible hose to prevent clots in your legs.  That was funny I am sure to watch.  My hubby wants to help and I am laughing as we are struggling to get them over my foot!!

I am starting to become anxious now.  I feel like I am going to have a panic attack.  Is this real? Am I about to have my head drilled open!   Only thing that is going through ny mind is us carving pumpkins with power tools and when the rine is going all over the place.  Lol yea so not how it happens but at that moment that’s all I can think about.

Halloween 2014- Power Tools + Pumpkins= FUN

I have to pull it together before my kids come in.  The little older nurse came in and talked to me about my kids.  She knew how to get my mind off my worries.  The nurse says i have plenty of time but I needed them to come in before I got upset.  I didn’t want them to see me upset!! 

They each come in and hug me.  I give them their card and assured them it was all going to be ok.  Corbin was good.  He thought my panty hose were funny.  Laynie was calm and straight-faced.  I could see her worry but she at that moment acted like she was a grown women. She looked at me and said “Mom you got this!” I’m just in awe of her.  She reminded me so much of myself. How she tries to hide the emotions to be strong for others.  Chase hugged me so tight.  He is always a hugger but this hug was different. It was as if he was trying to tell me a million different things he wanted to say but did it through his hug and I understood every part of it too.  I wanted them to stay but scurried them along so they wouldn’t see me break. Although they know me well enough that they knew exactly what I was doing. 

After they left I cried.  It was odd.  It wasn’t a scared “what if” cry.  It was more of I am so proud cry. That honestly if I was to leave that day I gave the world 3 amazing people to live through.  The little older nurse had run down to the gift shop and bought a little penguin for Corbin for me to give him.  It was so ironic because I had just showed him a picture of him acting like a penguin at Sea World when he was about 3.  He was so fascinated by the penguins and walked around the park like a penguin and looking at his shadow. 

Pics corbin and I were looking at that morning! I was telling him the story of that day! All day he acted like a penguin! He was excited his colors even matched the penguins that day!

Again God showing his love!  This nurse knew nothing of the story of Corbin & the penguin or that we had talked about it earlier that day!

Dr Kim stopped in and he kissed my forehead.  He had just come out of successful surgery and was going to get prepped for mine.  It was funny as he left he said Stephanie your going to do great!  Lol Stephanie?  I didn’t correct him and knew it was just a little error.  But then my husband and I laughed. What if he started wrong procedure thinking I am Stephanie who needs a different surgery.  I giggled saying I might have extra holes or all shaved if there is a mistake.  It was perfect timing because I was able to laugh. 

In the meantime my BSS, brain surgery sibling, sister came by.  She had checked out all my doctors, nurse, and OR team.  She was so kind to come out of her way to do that. 

Our preacher came and made it just in time to pray with us.  Then the nurses said your up.  My husband and preacher were able to go to pre op holding.  It was hectic in there.   This took longer then expected. They were going to give me something to relax but had to wait until all doctors came by and asked me questions.  I had to be able to answer them myself.  Our preacher was kind and really kept my mind off things.  We talked about work, children, my job, politics, growing up, the church, and numerous other things.   At one point I thought I just wanted it to be my husband and I together alone.  But NOW again God stepping in and knowing exactly what I needed at that moment.  If it would have just been my hubby and I , then I would have been a basket case.  Crying hysterically which would have been bad for us both.  But because my preacher was there I had to be strong.  I don’t cry in front of people although I wish I did. It was also so good to hear stories of his family. 

The anesthesiologist came in and gave me what she called an “expansive margarita” to calm my nerves.  Then it was time to go.  I hugged the preacher. Then my husband.  I didn’t want to let him go.  I could feel his tears run down my face.  I blew him a kiss after they wheeled me off.  The medicine definitely was making me relax.  I remember going into this massive operating room with machines everywhere.  I remember asking the nurse what this did, what does this to, what about that?  Lol She then said,”ok Stacie, time to go to sleep. Here is some extra oxygen!” Then she covered my mouth.

I don’t remember much from waking up other than being upset and itching like crazy.  I had my pump for pain medication that I had to self administer every 6 minutes.  I was out of it.  So many times I would go longer then 6 minutes and I would be in ridiculous pain.  I had scratched my face so much it was bleeding.  During surgery they had to intubate me and also attached my head to a halo to hold my head still.  So I had small screw hole on front of head too.  I don’t remember very much other than being mad!  I wanted to see my kids.  I remember telling someone to figure it out.  I was furious.  I was not able to go into ICU yet because everything was full.  They couldn’t come back where I was. My husband wasn’t supposed to either but Dr Kim made it so he was able to.  Now I am glad they weren’t able to see me like that. 

The kids had school the next two days so they didn’t get to see me. I know this was hard on them but now it is really a blessing. I was not in good shape. Once I got into ICU and even in regular room I was bad.  I barely remember my sister coming.  All I remember is pain, non stop vomiting, and my love cleaning my face and clothes! They didn’t need to see me like that. I heard they were really upset because they were not able too but in the end it is better. That would have upset them more.

Those first two days were the hardest.  I am glad they are behind me.  I am thankful for the amazing nursing staff, doctors, hospital, and my husband for taking such good care of me.  But above all I thank God for being by my side every step of the way!

One Week Out

It is hard to believe it has been one week since my surgery.  I know I haven’t been the best at blogging lately. My vision has been somewhat off since so typing is a little difficult. 

Wow is all I can say! It is unreal how different I feel already. The pressure and pain in my head, eyes, and arms are gone.  I have a different pain which feels like surgery pain and BUT it responds reasonably with medicine.  My other pain would not respond to anything.  I just had to suffer through it.  It is unbelievable that little tumor was causing such chaos.  I was really bummed I didn’t get to see the tumor or video of the surgery!  The resident doctor did not agree to my operating room selfie! 😒 I think that would’ve been cool!

Now I am off kilter and in slow motion but I sometimes have to remind myself I had brain surgery.  I know I have lots of recovering left to do and I need to pace myself.  I’ve never been good at pacing myself! I’m not bending over and being cautious because I am walking a little tipsy at times. 

My biggest complaint is sleep.  I am thrashing in bed a lot which is causing me to hit my incision.  I am waking up immediately after falling asleep because of this.  That is pretty painful especially if it is getting time for my medicine to be due! My incision looks great and I am blown away with how fast my hair is growing.  Someone called me a chia pet.  Lol.

I am so proud of the work Dr Kim did.  Of course because I am ALIVE but his whole neuro team is just unbelievable and genuine.  They truly care!  I am so glad everything worked out the way that it did and my path crossed his.  Yesterday I had my one week appointment with him.  It was to check incision sight, check on pain level, and other vitals.  I had a great check up. Incision looks clean and perfect. They were all amazed with my hair too.  As we were leaving there was another young lady who had the same type procedure the same day as mine. She traveled from Pennsylvania to see Dr. Kim, her parents were with her. It amazes me how far people travel to see him but I understand why.   He is one of the few that will do this procedure and he has definitely earned his reputation. 

I know I have hurdles still in front of me.  I still have a lot of recovering to do to get back to where I was. But right at this moment I couldn’t be more grateful. The biopsy results are the big thing weighing on my mind which I should know within next few weeks.  I go back to doctor next week I get staples and stitches out.   I know it will all be ok.  I just need to slow down and let my body recover!   As a dear friend says, “pumped da breaks!” 😜